A lawyer dies
and shows up at the pearly gates. St. Peter greets him and
they sit down together to do the required paperwork. At one
point St. Peter is looking through the lawyer's official heavenly
dossier, and he says, “Oh, congratulations, I see you
qualify for the better grade housing we have up here.”
"Oh, really?" says the lawyer. "Why is that?"
St. Peter replies, "Well, the Big Guy has a rule that
anybody who lived to be more than 100 was obviously leading
a virtuous life on earth, so it's appropriate for that person
to spend eternity in the best possible quarters."
"But that doesn't make sense," says the lawyer.
"I died of a heart attack at age 58."
"That's impossible," says St Peter, looking at the
lawyer's dossier. "According to your time records, you
have to be at least 182 years old."
Al, the lawyer, and Joe, the loan officer,
are bungee-jumping one day.
Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money
running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
Joe thinks this is a great idea and provides financing. Then,
they buy everything they’ll need: a tower, an elastic
cord, insurance, etc. Al obtains the necessary permits to
operate, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on
the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When they finish, there is such a crowd they decide it is
a good idea to give a demonstration.
Al, the lawyer, being quite adventurous, decided to jump.
He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back
up Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately,
Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and
comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up.
This time he comes back pretty messed up-he's got a couple
of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, Joe finally catches him this time and says, "What
happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the cord was fine,
but what's a pinata?"
Q: What's the difference between
a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What do you have when
a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Firemen and paramedics frantically
work to remove an attorney from his demolished car, which
was just involved in a head on collision. "Oh ... my
Mercedes, my poor Mercedes ... oh..." the attorney kept
repeating through his pain.
"Look, fella," said the paramedic, "Quit worrying
so much about your car, your entire arm has been severed below
the elbow and you could bleed to death!"
As the attorney looks down to see his arm missing, he begins
whimpering, "My Rolex, my poor Rolex ... oh….”
Q: What do you
call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association
convention?
A: The caterer.
A man was sent
to hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of
eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having
an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.
"What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have
to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it
with a beautiful woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled,
"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
Q: Why does California
have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic
waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.
Q: What do you call 20 lawyers
skydiving?
A: Skeet.
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Q: How many lawyers do you need
to paint the Great Wall of China red?
A: It depends on how hard you throw them.
Q: Why did a
leopard follow an elephant through the forest eating the elephant's
droppings?
A: He had just eaten a lawyer and he was trying to get the
taste out of his mouth.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a
house?
A: It depends on how thin you slice them.
A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month." He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the young man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone."
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.